Just for fun

                        Laughter is the best medicine                                                          

From  The Little book of Heavenly Humour by Sid Little 

A little boy opened the big old family bible with fascination; he looked at the old pages and as he turned them something fell out. He picked it up and examined it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree which had been pressed between the pages.

 ‘Mum look what I’ve found ‘? he called out.

‘What have you found son?’ his mother asked.

 In an astonished voice he answered ‘It’s Adam’s suit!’

                                                                                   

                                                                  Seeing the funny side of some church notices

 

A notice board outside a church said       ‘If you’re tired of sinning come inside.’

 Underneath someone had scrawled                 If you’re not phone 645 3219.

 

A church notice board next to a bus stop read:       Where will you be on Judgement Day?

Underneath someone had written:                            Still waiting for the number 9 bus, I expect

 

 A notice on the grass verge of a church read:              Trespassers will be forgiven!

    

                                                  “He will Fill your mouth with laughter” Job 8 v21

 

‘The preacher for next Sunday will be found hanging on the notice board in the foyer.’

 

‘As the Minister is going on holiday next week, could all missionary boxes please be handed in to the manse by Friday evening at the latest.’

‘Jumble Sale Next Saturday.

Ladies this is your opportunity to get rid of anything you don’t want.

Don’t forget to bring your husband.’

‘We regret to announce that the Ladies Fellowship was unable to raise any money during their Sponsored Silence last week .’

 

‘Due to the Ministers illness the weekly healing service will be discontinued until further notice’

 

 “He will Fill your mouth with laughter” Job 8 v 21



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Can you identify the TV shows from the following anagrams?

 

1. True bleep                                                              6.VAT on housewife orgy

2. It quotes mine                                                        7. Do rye cakes today

3. Needs tears                                                                       8. Wore three drums

4. Bright robe                                                                         9. Quiet soft soprano

5.Excited shanty                                                        10. Oh wow I’m a brain on satellite

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Laughter is the Best Medicine

                                                     “He will Fill your mouth with laughter” Job 8 v21

A drunk stumbles along to a baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He trips and falls down into the water below and finds himself standing next to the minister. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says to him “Oh hello my friend are you here to find Jesus then? “

The drunk looks back and says “ yessssirrr”  So the minister takes hold of him and dunks him in the water and pulls him quickly back up.

“Now brother have you found Jesus? “ he asks

“No I haven’t “replies the surprised man.

So the minister grabs him again and pushes him into the water for a bit longer this time. When he brings him up the minister asks “Now have you found Jesus?”

“No, no I haven’t “splutters the drunk again.

Frustrated the minister grabs him a third time and holds him under the water for 30 seconds. The man is gasping when he surfaces

 “By The Grace of God surely you have found Jesus this time” exclaims the perplexed minister.

Spluttering and blinking the old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads “No, are you sure this is where he fell in?”

                                                                Little book of Heavenly Humour by Sid Little

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faces

THIS WEEK'S QUIZ

 

And now

6 geese a laying – all these destinations have 6 letter names

1. What we call Bombay now

2. French port that’s closest to the UK

3. Site of Kubla Khan’s Pleasure Dome and the only UK no. 1 single that begins with an X

4. Realm of Middle earth that is inaccessible to pedestrians

5. Country where you can visit the museum Abbamuseet

6. Country whose border with England is in a wardrobe

7. City in Gwynedd with the same name as the next answer

8. Town in County Down with the same name as the previous answer

5 gold rings – Its’ snacktime! There are 5 of them, and they each have 5 letters. 4 chocolate and 1 bag of crisps

1. Like flakes in jackets

2. Possibly don’t contain real prawns

3. Chocolate, nougat, hazelnut, the worst choc. bar of all (if we accept that a Twix isn't a chocolate bar but a biscuit)

4. SSSSSSSHHHHHH!

5. Give this last clue to someone you love


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last weeks' answers

8 maids a milking recipes on the BBC website which use milk

1. Slice the bananas and layer them over the set caramel banofee pie

2. Repeat the layers of bread and sultanas, sprinkling with cinnamon   bread and butter pudding

3. Whisk the rested batter and pour it over the browned sausages   toad in the hole

and 2 places with 8 letters in their name

4. Highest mountain in the British Isles    Ben Nevis

5. Most westerly major town of Cornwall   Penzance

 

7 swans-a-swimming  These people have 7 letter names and are also all know by a SINGLE name:-

1. It eats people and it has one eye  Cyclops

2. Widow Twankey’s wish-seeking, genie-greeting son   Aladdin

3. Shabby Los Angeles policeman with catchphrase “just one more thing”    Columbo

4. What the Romans called Odysseus, also the name of a long book by James Joyce   Ulysses

5. She married that Jay-Z Fella   Beyonce

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09.01.21

9 ladies dancing these TV shows all the answers have 9 letters

11 Children’s TV show that has run for over 60 years and has had 40 official presenters Blue Peter

12. Current affairs TV show on air for over 40 years, has had official presenters including Peter Snow and Martha Kearney   Newsnight

13. Daytime TV show, which has had 5 permanent hosts of its 7000 episodes since 1982  Countdown

14. Daytime TV show which has been presented by the same 2 people since it launched in 2009 Pointless

 

 

Here’s the next ones:

       8 maids a milking recipes on the BBC website which use milk

1. Slice the bananas and layer them over the set caramel

2. Repeat the layers of bread and sultanas, sprinkling with cinnamon

3. Whisk the rested batter and pour it over the browned sausages

and 2 places with 8 letters in their name

4. Highest mountain in the British Isles

5. Most westerly major town of Cornwall

 

    7 swans-a-swimming  These people have 7 letter names and are also all known by a SINGLE name:-

1. It eats people and it has one eye

2. Widow Twankey’s wish-seeking, genie-greeting son

3. Shabby Los Angeles policeman with catchphrase “just one more thing”

4. What the Romans called Odysseus, also the name of a long book by James Joyce

5. She married that Jay-Z Fella

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last weeks' answers

10 lords a leaping all the answers have 10 letters

1. The vicar of Dibley Dawn French

2. Godfather famous for getting on up and getting down  James Brown

3. She has caused mass buying of omelette pans, skewers and eggs Delia Smith

4. He’s British and he’s American and he’s a breakfast DJ and a Hollywood actor  Chris Evans

5. Native American warrior whose name suggests he had an emotionally unstable equine to ride on

                                                                                                                                    Crazy Horse

6. The first man  to win successive olympic tennis gold medals   Andy Murray

7. Inventor of the everlasting gobstopper   Willy Wonka

8. Phoebe  Lisa Kudrow

9. He directed “Isles of wonder”, London 2012 olympic games opening ceremony  Danny Boyle

10. Sports personality of the year in 1966    Bobby Moore (not Geoff Hurst !!!)


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                                             Can you solve the following  (e.g. 64 s on a c b  = 64 squares on a chess board)

All of these are Bible based

1. 10 p_ _ _ _ _ _     of  E_ _ _ _   in E_ _ _ _ _

2. 39  b_ _ _ _  in the O_ _   T_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

3. M_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ d at a_ _ 969

4. The I _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  w_ _ _ _ _ _ _ for 40 y _ _ _ _ in the w _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

5. M _ _ _ _ sent 12 s_ _ _ _ to e _ _ _ _ _ _  C_ _ _ _ _

6. G _ _ gave M _ _ _ _  10  c _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ on M _ _ _ _  S _ _ _ _

7. 10 v _ _ _ _ _ _ took  l _ _ _ _.  5 were  w _ _ _.  5 were f _ _ _ _ _ _

8. J _ _ _ _ had 12  s _ _ _

9. J _ _ _ _ had 12  d _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. 2  t _ _ _ _ _ _ were c _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ with  J _ _ _ _

 



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Here’s a few riddles (not Bible related) just for fun

1. Which is faster, hot or cold?                             
2. Forwards I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I? 

3. What question can you never answer “yes” to ?  
4. What has teeth but cannot eat?

5. What kind of dog never bites?                         
6. What wears a cap but has no head?

7. Why is six afraid of seven?                                
8. What country is popular on Thanksgiving day?

9. Which table doesn’t have a leg?                                  
10. What’s never used until it’s broken?

Answers to  quiz

1. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, you can easily catch cold

  2. Forwards I am heavy, backwards I am not. What am I?       ton

3. What question can you never answer “yes” to ?  Are you asleep / dead

4. What has teeth but cannot eat? A comb

5.. What kind of dog never bites? A hot dog

6. What wears a cap but has no head?  A bottle

7. Why is six afraid of seven?   Because seven eight (ate) nine

8. What country is popular on Thanksgiving day? Turkey

9. Which table doesn’t have a leg? A vegetable 10. What’s never used until it’s broken? Egg


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WHO SAID THAT?

1. Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian?

King Herod / King Agrippa/ Saul/ Pontius Pilate

2. How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well on in years

Peter/ Joseph/ Zacharias/ Mark

3. I baptise you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry.  He will baptise you with the Holy Spirit

Matthew/ James/ Peter/ John the Baptist

4. If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread   a Sadducee/ a Samaritan/a Pharisee/ Satan

5. Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men   Peter/ John the Baptist/ Satan/ Jesus

6. Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?   Simon Peter/ a Sadducee/ a rich ruler/ a publican

7. Don’t you fear God, since you are under the same sentence?

A Samaritan/ Lazarus/ one of the crucified thieves/ Martha

8. Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty  a Samaritan woman/ the good Samaritan/ Andrew. Mary Magdalene

9. Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water   Timothy/ Simon Peter/ Matthew/ James

10. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to  you, how ofter I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings.  Paul/ King Herod/ Pete/Jesus


ANSWERS: Last weeks quiz answers:=

1. Do you think that in such a short time you can persuade me to be a Christian? King Agrippa

2. How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well on in years Zacharias

3. I baptise you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry.  He will baptise you with the Holy Spirit   John the Baptist

4. If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread   Satan

5. Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men   Jesus

6. Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?  a rich ruler

7. Don’t you fear God, since you are under the same sentence?  one of the crucified thieves

8. Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty  a Samaritan woman

9. Lord, if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water    Simon Peter

10. O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to  you, how often I have longed to gather your children together as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings.  Jesus

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Places in the Bible in anagram form:-

1. Cain hot                                          6.   Hi lip pip

2. Canape rum                                     7.   Evin hen

3. He Tarzan                                        8.   Push see

4. Any blob                                         9.   Itch Ron

5. Alison cheats                                   10. Ace areas

ANSWERS:

1. Cain hot     Antioch                                   6.   Hi lip pip    Philippi

2. Canape rum            Capernaum              7.   Evin hen   Nineveh

3. He Tarzan  Nazareth                                8.   Push see   Ephesus

4. Any blob    Babylon                                 9.   Itch Ron  Corinth 

5. Alison cheats  Thessalonica                  10. Ace areas  Caesarea


 

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Last weeks quiz answers:-


1. Paul               Tentmaker                                                       6.  Demetrius   Silversmith   (Acts 19)

2. Baruch         Jeremiah’s secretary                                    7.  Potiphar      Egyptian captain of the guard  (Gen 39)

3. Felix            Procurator of Judea                                         8.  Naaman.     Commander of Syrian forces (2 Kings 5)

4. Lydia           Retailer of purple cloth (Acts 23)                 9.  Naboth       Vineyard owner ( 1 Kings 21)

5. Cornelius     Centurion   (Acts 10)                           10.Gideon       Farmer (Judges 6 – 8)


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THIS WEEK'S QUIZ



Last weeks quiz answers:-

1. Come ye thankful people come                               6.   All things bright and beautiful

2. We plough the fields and scatter                              7.   Who paints the skies into glorious day

3. For the beauty of the earth                                      8.   Who put the colours in the rainbow

4. O Lord my God when I in awesome wonder          9.   For the fruits of His creation

5. I the Lord of sea and sky                                         10. All creatures of our God and King

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THIS WEEK'S QUIZ


WHAT’S MY LINE ?  
What Was the profession of these Biblical characters?

 

1. Paul                                                             6.  Demetrius

2. Baruch                                                         7.  Potiphar

3. Felix                                                            8.  Naaman.

4. Lydia                                                           9.  Naboth

5. Cornelius                                                     10.Gideon

 




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Last weeks quiz answers:

1. Nations are slipping in hopeless despair      Great is the darkness that covers the earth   

2. Take my moments and my days                  Take my life and let it be        

3. Resplendent power, eternal word, our rock  Jesus is Lord the cry that echoes through the nations          

4. In surrender I must give my every part          I will offer up my life

5. Mornings of joy give for evenings of tearfulness  O worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness 

6. Father we love to sing your praise                  Father I place into your hands

7. Love indestructible in frailty appears              Meekness and majesty

8. Different faces, different races He made us one   Jesus put this song into our hearts

9. My soul is purchased with His blood              Before the throne of God above

10. He’ll wipe each tear-stained eye.                  There is a higher throne


QUIZ : 4.10.20 

CAN YOU COMPLETE THE FIRST LINES OF THESE HYMNS WITH A HARVEST THEME

 

1.   Co _ e   /  _ e / _ _ a _ _ _ u _ / _ e o _ _ e / _ o _ e

2.   W e / _ _ o u _ _ / _ _ e / _ ie _ _ _ / a _ _ / _ _ a _ _ e _

3.    F o _ / _ _ e / _ e a u _ _ / o _ / _ _ e / e a _ _ _

4.    O / _ o _ _ / _ _ / _ o _ / _ _ e _ / I / i _ / a _ e _ o _ e / _ o _ _ e _

5.    I / _ _ e / _ o _ _ / o _ / _ e a / a _ _ / _ _ _

6.    A _ _ / _ _ i _ _ _ /  _ _ i _ _ _  / a _ _ / _ eau _ i_ u _

7.    W _ o / _ a i_ _ _ / _ _ e / _ _ ie _ / i_ _ o / _ _ o_ iou _ / _ a _

8.     W – o / _ u _ / _ _ e / _ o _ ou _ _ / i_ / _ _ e / _ ai _ _ o _

9.    F o _ / _ _ e / _ _ ui _ _ / o _ / _ i_ / _ _ e a _ io _

10.  A _ _ / _ _ e a _ u _ e _ / o _ / o u _ / _ o _ / a _ _ / _ i _ _                                                                                                                                      

 






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QUIZ OCTOBER 26th


SONGS OF FELLOWSHIP – the following lines are in Songs of Fellowship – can you name the first line of them:

1. Nations are slipping in hopeless despair                     6. Father we love to sing your praise

2. Take my moments and my days                        7. Love indestructible in frailty appears

3. Resplendent power, eternal word, our rock     8. Different faces, different races, He made us one

4. In surrender I must give my every part              9. My soul is purchased with His blood

5. Mornings of joy give for evenings of tearfulness  10.He’ll wipe each tear-stained eye

 




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FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN ANXIOUS THIS WEEK 

AS SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES HAVE BEEN RE-OPENING…

 

Headmaster receives a phone call from a worried parent

HEADMASTER: Good morning, how can I help you?

PARENT:            I understand that if I’m worried about my son I can still keep him at   

                           home and he can do his lessons from here.

 

HEADMASTER: Well, yes, that’s strictly true but we are trying to get everyone back

                           in school as soon as possible

PARENT:           I do know that but I’m very concerned that he’ll get Covid                                

                           and I really do want to keep him at home.

 

HEADMASTER: Well if you’re sure that that’s in his best interests…

 

PARENT:            Yes, I am. I’m VERY worried about him.

 

HEADMASTER: Very well. Can you please give me your son’s name?

PARENT:            Yes, it’ s Richard West and he teaches Year 6!

 

sunshine smile

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antibodies






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to make you             sunshine smile


during Covid!




  • HAPPY HOUR! is starting earlier and earlier. if this keeps up we'll be pouring wine on our cereals!

  • QUARANTINE has turned us all into dogs. We roam around the house looking for food. We're told "no" if we get too           close to strangers, and we get REALLY excited about car rides!

  • MESSAGE for 2019 "Stay away from negative people!"  MESSAGE for 2020 "Stay away from positive people!"

  • Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

  • I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/ her with a six foot barge pole" would become NATIONAL                       POLICY,  but here we are!

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    JILL AND JOY’S WALK           (a poetic true tale by Mo Stanley)

                                                                                                        

    walking figurewalking figure

    One day J and J went off for a walk,

    They needed some time to wander and talk,

    They left nearby streets and ventured a while 

    Along country lanes and over a stile

    They strolled near a golf course 

    And watched out for balls 

    They enjoyed every moment 

    And listened for calls 

    Until they began to think 

    Time to go home 

    But then were unsure 

    Of which way to roam 

    But as they stood pondering 

    A nice man appears 

    He saw their distress 

    So helped out the (old ) sweet dears 

    He rode on a scooter

    An official was he 

    But the sort of a chap 

    You’d invite round to tea

    He soon helped out 

    And advised them to care 

    When venturing by places 

                                   Where balls fly in the air !                              

    He lead them both safely 

    And spoke merrily

    So soon they were home 

    For a nice cup of tea


    By Mo Stanley ( in lock down)

     






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    From John Austin, quiz-compiler to  Hasbury Methodist church! Be warned...it'll drive you mad!!!!!!!


    As I've been known to write the odd quiz or two, Sarah said I should do something to pass the time while we're in lockdown. I have written a short story about life at the moment, in which there are 19 (topical number) British towns or cities. See how many you can find....


    These, as you know, are strange times due to Covid 19. We are under instruction to be in lockdown, with anyone that has a temperature, cough or pains in the chest, erring on the side of caution and staying in self-isolation. Most of us can’t go to work so people are having to do their job at home. We’re having to stay a distance from everyone when we go to the shops, there’s barely anything on the shelves and definitely not much loo roll for sale. Some are catching up on watching the movies they’ve been meaning to see, some are reading the books they haven’t had time to sit and read whilst others are trying something new like painting, cookery or knitting. Seemingly, it does seem easy to do very little. We do have to remember to do those other things; wind on the clocks an hour, send a card if family or friends have a birthday and do the work on the house that we’ve been meaning to do. It is good that we are still allowed to go for a walk or a little trip on our bikes, but those sport fans are finding it unusual that the football has stopped and the six nations rugby hasn’t been completed yet. It was really nice the other evening for people came out to support the NHS, when you could hear the fireworks going bang or the clapping of hands. We can’t go to restaurants or the cinema and people are having to cancel holidays and weddings meaning there will also be no hen-do nor stag-do. We can only hope that everyone will be well soon so that we will all be able to get on with life as normal and you never know we might all be a little bit friendlier and kinder by the end of it all.


    ANSWERS

    These, as you know, are strange times due to covid 19. We are under instruction to be in lockdown, with anyone that has a temperature, cough or pains in the chest, erring on the side of caution and staying in self-isolation. Most of us can’t go to work so people are having to do their job at home. We’re having to stay a distance from everyone when we go to the shops, there’s barely anything on the shelves and definitely not much loo roll for sale. Some are catching up on watching the movies they’ve been meaning to see, some are reading the books they haven’t had time to sit and read whilst others are trying something new like painting, cookery or knitting. Seemingly, it does seem easy to do very little. We do have to remember to do those other things; wind on the clocks an hour, send a card if family or friends have a birthday and do the work on the house that we’ve been meaning to do. It is good that we are still allowed to go for a walk or a little trip on our bikes, but those sport fans are finding it unusual that the football has stopped and the six nations rugby hasn’t been completed yet. It was really nice the other evening for people came out to support the NHS, when you could hear the fireworks going bang or the clapping of hands. We can’t go to restaurants or the cinema and people are having to cancel holidays and weddings meaning there will also be no hen-do nor stag-do. We can only hope that everyone will be well soon so that we will all be able to get on with life as normal and you never know we might all be a little bit friendlier and kinder by the end of it all.

     

    AND THERE'S MORE...............................


    HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE  BIBLE

    Please do not Google or check this with Snopes.  They will lie to you.  Trust me! 

     In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.   And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.  Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

    And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

    And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

    And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

    To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

    And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS  And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

    And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known.  He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."  "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

     Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

    It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

    That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

     I would not make up this stuff.